So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
His nipple licking is glorious
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