a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
