My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
