I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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