im six kinds of drunk right now
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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