just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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