My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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