You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Sober January is a disaster.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Randomize
