I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
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