3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
