my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
