I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
