apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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