I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
