Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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