I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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