she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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