I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
