i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
