5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
