If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
