i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
