i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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