remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
