im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
