he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize