2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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