take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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