are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
