I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
