i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
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she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
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I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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