My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
