I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
