nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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