Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
