Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
