My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
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