First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
