Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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