Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
