My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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