Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
