My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
