i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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