I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
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