were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
