Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Pooping to opera.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
