you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
