she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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