I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I know her cup size but not her name....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
