I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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