cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just pynch a tree in the face
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
