The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
