I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
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Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
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I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
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