it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
