sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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