Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
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When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
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Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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