so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
