Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
